Holes in My Heart

They say that time can heal any wound.

I am not sure if that is true. Weeks, months, and years can pass without a heart being healed or mended. That is because it is not time in and of itself that heals the wound, but love.

About a year and a half ago I was sent home from my mission in Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine to receive medical attention. I got extremely ill and needed to return to the states for surgery. By the time I was sent home I had been sick for about four months and I was exhausted. My mission ending early broke my heart. While logically I knew it wasn’t my fault, emotionally I felt guilty and broken.

For the next few months I felt completely empty. I had surgery and my body was weak and sick. I fought with feeling as though I had abandoned the people I had left behind in Ukraine. It was a very dark time for me.

Because I had heard that time can heal any wound, I waited, hoping that the hole in my heart would somehow fill.

Two months after coming home I got a job at the Missionary Training Center as a teacher. Our job as teachers is to help the new missionaries prepare to serve missions of their own. When I taught my first group of missionaries, that is when I first felt a change in my heart. I came to love those young missionaries and each one filled a little of the emptiness that I felt.

Over and over, God helped me see that He still loved me. When I returned home from the mission I felt unworthy of His love somehow. Thanks heavens He didn’t agree. They weren’t big moments, but little things helped me to know he was there with me: peace during a prayer, a rainbow on a hard day, gentle feelings of love in the temple.

Over the next year, little by little and almost imperceptibly, love started to fill the holes in my heart. My family and dear friends loved me despite everything and their love made all of the difference. New people came into my life and filled more of the holes.

When I left for Romania I felt different than when I came home. Not yet whole or completely healed, but better. And then God placed dozens of angels in my life to finish up the job. The love I feel here, both for the children and from the children, is filling my heart to overflowing. I know that this was a part of God’s plan for me.

Let me tell you about a few of my angels. (Because of privacy concerns, I have to change the names of the children).

My sweet little Ann. She has dark features and perfect brown eyes. Ann is seven years old but is smaller than she should be. She is confined to a crib and is unable to walk or talk. Ann is also blind. Every day I hold her and she cuddles her head into my neck. I tickle her stomach and she giggles. She has a perfect smile that fills my whole heart.

Neo. That is what I named him. His hands are light brown at the fingertips, then turn pink, and then white. Neapolitan ice cream. Neo was abandoned in the hospital. I would guess he is about two months old. He has the same dark, Romanian eyes and dark curly hair. I adore him.

Harry. We named him that because he has peach fuzz hair all over his back, legs and forehead. He was also abandoned in the hospital and is probably about two years old. He is much too skinny and is unable to walk or talk like children his age. His eyes lit up the second we would walk unto his room and he would let us hold him for hours. Harry isn’t at the hospital anymore; we are not sure where he went. I pray for him every night.

Dee. He is the only child in my room at the orphanage who is mobile. He walks with a little difficulty but can speak and he gives a lot of kisses. Dee has been in the orphanage from a young age, that is his home. He loves to play dogs and guns and clay, like most young boys. Dee hugs me when I get to work, hugs me millions of times while I am there, and again before I leave. He is full of energy and is sometimes quite stubborn. And I adore him.

There are dozens of children who have impacted me, but those are just a few. God knew that I needed to come to Romania for my heart to heal. He knew that love would fill the holes that were left there.

Time is not healing my heart. Love is. I believe in a God who is merciful and loving and patient. I am so grateful for Him putting all of these people into my life. He has never left my side.

A Daring Adventure

I read a quote the other day that said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Well, I have been in Romania just more than a week and I can already tell that this summer will be a daring adventure.

I figured it was about time that I explained what I am doing over here in Eastern Europe. Let me fill you in. Each morning we get ready and head to an orphanage. We work at the orphanage taking care of the children there for the first half of the day. Then we walk home to have lunch. As soon as we finish lunch we walk about thirty minutes to a nearby children’s hospital. At the hospital we go from floor to floor asking the nurses if there are children without parents there. For the second half of the day we take care of the children in the hospital who have been left or abandoned. When we are done at the hospital we come home and eat dinner, pass out, wake up, and repeat. It’s a hard, exhausting, beautiful life here in Romania.

The children in the orphanage are divided into rooms based on age and level of disability. (Many of the children in the orphanage are severely disabled.) I work in the room with the most severely disabled children. They are all bedridden, most are in cribs. I spend the morning stretching and massaging their tight, deformed limbs. Some of them are ticklish. I live for their smiles.

The orphanage is a beautiful place, but it is hard for me. I feel so many emotions there. I feel anger towards the people who have abandoned these children. I feel extreme respect and love for the workers in the orphanage who devote their lives to them. I feel fear that I will do something wrong and hurt the children and fear that what I am doing doesn’t matter. I feel loneliness because I am often the only worker in the room and none of my children can speak. I feel sorrow for the children: that they have never known life outside of these cribs, that they have been rejected by the people who should have loved them the most, and I feel sorrow thinking about the lives they “could have lived”. And then, there are short burst of perfect joy. Smiles. Songs. They hold my hand.

The hospital is very similar. Lots of emotions. Beautiful moments. Yesterday at the hospital I spent two hours holding a newborn baby. He was left there and has nobody to take care of him. The nurses do what they can, but there aren’t enough workers to be with all of the children. I named the baby Neo.

I have hope for these children ONLY because of my belief in God. I believe that He loves every child in that orphanage and every child in the hospital. Because of the poor choices of others, these children live hard, dark lives. But I know that someday, somehow God will lift them out of it. Someday they will be happy and whole and strong.

All of us will have that day.

Why I Believe

I have been asked many times in my life why I believe what I do. I am not even close to perfect. I have had days of doubt and question but my days of belief have far outweighed them. I have been thinking a lot lately (again) about why I really believe all of the things that I do. And I wrote them down. I want the people that I care about to understand this part of my heart.

First let me begin with what exactly I believe. This is not an all-inclusive list, but I will try to cover the foundation. I believe that there is a God in Heaven. He is a merciful, forgiving God. I believe that He is my Father and that He loves me dearly. I believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, my Brother. Jesus Christ is my Savior. I love Him. I believe that there is a life after this one, a place where we can live together with our families in perfect joy. I believe that living life as a follower of Jesus Christ is the happiest, most fulfilling way to live. I believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, that they are scripture given to us to teach us who God is and how we can follow Him. (Don’t know what the Book of Mormon is? Click here: http://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon).

And so, why do I believe what I do? Well, here a just a few reasons:

#1: The first reason is quite simply just because it feels right to me. No, it can’t be proven and it doesn’t make sense logically, but when I attend church services or study the scriptures or pray, something inside of me just feels right. It’s like coming home after a long trip: comfortable, peaceful, and happy.

#2: My family. Some of you may not know my family, but I think they are the most wonderful group of people in the entire world. We absolutely adore each other. Now, my family is not perfect and we have had trials and struggles over the years, but we are together and we are strong. We love each other. We support each other. I am absolutely positive that without the teachings of Jesus Christ and His influence in our lives, my family would not be what it is today. Does living the gospel of Jesus Christ make every family strong and whole and perfect? Perhaps not right now. But I believe that it will make ANY family situation better, no matter what it is.

#3: One reason I believe what I do is because of light. Let me explain. I served an LDS mission in Ukraine. The first week that I was there I was terrified. The people of Ukraine have gone through unbelievable pain and suffering. When I first arrived in Ukraine I met some cold, dark people. (Which happens in every culture). But then, I went to church. In Ukraine there are faithful members of the church, followers of Jesus Christ. They are full of light. The lives of the members are not easy, but they are happy and full of faith. I believe the way that I do because of them and the light in their eyes.

#4: I am never alone. We all have times in our lives when we face trials. We think that nobody understands us; nobody can help us. There are times when we feel utterly alone. I believe the way that I do because it helps to fill that hole. I know that Jesus Christ is constantly with me. Joshua 1:9 “…the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” I know that I can pray to God at any time and I can feel His peace. It works. Try it. J   

#5: Healthier lifestyle. It may sound silly, but living a healthier life really is one of the reasons I believe the way that I do. We don’t drink alcohol or coffee. We don’t smoke or do drugs. We are encouraged to eat healthily. It’s a good way to live folks.

#6: Tradition. Some people look down upon believing a certain way, only because that is what your family believes. Well, It is definitely not the ONLY reason I believe, but has it played a role? Sure! That being said, if I had not been born into my family I would hope that somehow, I could find the gospel of Jesus Christ.

#7: The Book of Mormon. For those of you who don’t know, the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, similar to the Bible. In our church we study and try to live by both. I absolutely love the Bible. I love reading about the life of Jesus Christ and His interactions with the people in Jerusalem. But I also love the Book of Mormon. When I read the Book of Mormon I want to be a better, more Christ-like person. I believe the way that I do because I know that a book that motivates me to do so much good must be right. (To read one of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon, click here: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/11?lang=eng).

#8: The final reason that I believe what I do is simply because it makes me happy. Everyone has the right to choose the way they live their life. For me, I choose to believe in God. I choose to do my absolute best to follow Him. When I mess up, and I do mess up, I seek His forgiveness. This is the life that makes me happy. My life is full of joy and purpose. Some argue that there cannot be a God because there is too much evil and pain in the world. But I believe that there MUST be a God because, despite all the evil created by mens' poor choices, there is still light and happiness. I will always believe. 

Ready, Set, Go

Today I began a new journey. I am currently sitting in the Bucharest, Romania airport. This is where I will spend my summer. Well, not in the airport. But Romania.

I woke up this morning at 4:00am and drove with my grandparents and my little sister Aubrey from Rexburg to the Salt Lake airport. I was too tired to feel much of anything until we said our goodbyes. Let’s just get this out in the open: I. Hate. Goodbyes. More than I hate muskrat soup and liver patties. More than I hate when people chew with their mouth open. More than I hate stabbing a pitchfork through my foot. (Too much? Sorry). You get the picture.

I waved one last goodbye to my dear grandmother and my beautiful sister as I rode the escalator up from security. Step one: done. The first flight was too Seattle. Totally fine. The second flight was to Amsterdam. Soooo long. I watched Blind Side. From Amsterdam we flew to Bucharest.

As we boarded the plane to Bucharest, I heard bits and pieces of people speaking Russian. As the people walked by me to board the plane, my whole body was flooded with feelings from my mission because all the people smelled like Ukraine!! 

That feeling has not left me since boarding the plane to Bucharest.

I am now sitting on my bed in our Romanian apartment and almost EVERYTHING reminds me of Ukraine. I brushed my teeth using a water bottle because the water isn’t safe to drink. The toilet paper in the bathroom is a muddy tan color, made from recycled newspaper. My bedroom has an intricate blue and tan rug on the wood floor. Our washing machine is small and much different from ours back home. The toilet flushes using a button on the top lid. The view out my window is of the city: large and full of life. I also don’t have any idea what anyone is saying so that also reminds me of the mission.

I am grateful that the Lord has given me the chance to come back to Eastern Europe. My mission was a very sacred time for me, but also a very hard time. Since being sent home from the mission a part of my heart has felt broken and empty. One reason I decided to come to Romania was because I felt as though it would be a way for God to heal that part of my heart. I know that he can. 

"I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee" 2 Kings 20:5 

Disclaimer

I am not a blogger. I started this blog a few months ago but I never posted anything. But things are about to change. I started this blog because I wanted to document God’s hand in my life. I was going through a hard time in my life and I wanted to share with people close to me my process of healing. So the documentation officially starts today.

Now is a good time to start because I just began a new chapter in my life. I arrived in Iasi, Romania three days ago for an internship. For the next three months I will be working with developmentally disabled children in an orphanage and a children’s hospital. I am pretty nervous. Let’s be real, I am terrified. But I couldn’t’ be more excited.

Adventure is out there.