Holes in My Heart

They say that time can heal any wound.

I am not sure if that is true. Weeks, months, and years can pass without a heart being healed or mended. That is because it is not time in and of itself that heals the wound, but love.

About a year and a half ago I was sent home from my mission in Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine to receive medical attention. I got extremely ill and needed to return to the states for surgery. By the time I was sent home I had been sick for about four months and I was exhausted. My mission ending early broke my heart. While logically I knew it wasn’t my fault, emotionally I felt guilty and broken.

For the next few months I felt completely empty. I had surgery and my body was weak and sick. I fought with feeling as though I had abandoned the people I had left behind in Ukraine. It was a very dark time for me.

Because I had heard that time can heal any wound, I waited, hoping that the hole in my heart would somehow fill.

Two months after coming home I got a job at the Missionary Training Center as a teacher. Our job as teachers is to help the new missionaries prepare to serve missions of their own. When I taught my first group of missionaries, that is when I first felt a change in my heart. I came to love those young missionaries and each one filled a little of the emptiness that I felt.

Over and over, God helped me see that He still loved me. When I returned home from the mission I felt unworthy of His love somehow. Thanks heavens He didn’t agree. They weren’t big moments, but little things helped me to know he was there with me: peace during a prayer, a rainbow on a hard day, gentle feelings of love in the temple.

Over the next year, little by little and almost imperceptibly, love started to fill the holes in my heart. My family and dear friends loved me despite everything and their love made all of the difference. New people came into my life and filled more of the holes.

When I left for Romania I felt different than when I came home. Not yet whole or completely healed, but better. And then God placed dozens of angels in my life to finish up the job. The love I feel here, both for the children and from the children, is filling my heart to overflowing. I know that this was a part of God’s plan for me.

Let me tell you about a few of my angels. (Because of privacy concerns, I have to change the names of the children).

My sweet little Ann. She has dark features and perfect brown eyes. Ann is seven years old but is smaller than she should be. She is confined to a crib and is unable to walk or talk. Ann is also blind. Every day I hold her and she cuddles her head into my neck. I tickle her stomach and she giggles. She has a perfect smile that fills my whole heart.

Neo. That is what I named him. His hands are light brown at the fingertips, then turn pink, and then white. Neapolitan ice cream. Neo was abandoned in the hospital. I would guess he is about two months old. He has the same dark, Romanian eyes and dark curly hair. I adore him.

Harry. We named him that because he has peach fuzz hair all over his back, legs and forehead. He was also abandoned in the hospital and is probably about two years old. He is much too skinny and is unable to walk or talk like children his age. His eyes lit up the second we would walk unto his room and he would let us hold him for hours. Harry isn’t at the hospital anymore; we are not sure where he went. I pray for him every night.

Dee. He is the only child in my room at the orphanage who is mobile. He walks with a little difficulty but can speak and he gives a lot of kisses. Dee has been in the orphanage from a young age, that is his home. He loves to play dogs and guns and clay, like most young boys. Dee hugs me when I get to work, hugs me millions of times while I am there, and again before I leave. He is full of energy and is sometimes quite stubborn. And I adore him.

There are dozens of children who have impacted me, but those are just a few. God knew that I needed to come to Romania for my heart to heal. He knew that love would fill the holes that were left there.

Time is not healing my heart. Love is. I believe in a God who is merciful and loving and patient. I am so grateful for Him putting all of these people into my life. He has never left my side.